Chris Ballew Biography

Chris Ballew (left) and Ben Gurner (right) after a presidents
concert at the Galaxy Theatre, Santa Ana, California.

Listen closely now junior, I'm going to tell you all a tale, and don't expect any Dead End Lies. Ballew was Born in Bellevue, Seattle in 1973 or 76… ahhhhh!!! I can never remember the exact date; Its Hopeless, Don’t rub it in, so maybe he was born in the wrong time... He was born in the wrong year, big deal. The point is that he was a blank baby, the world ready to fill his head.

Chris’ childhood was normal. He lived in a mobile home, he wore Puffy Little Shoes, he ate lots of Candy, and he passed his time in the yard smashing matchbox cars. Who could blame young Ballew’s uncontrollable urge to poke and destroy? Yes he certainly was a happy camper, even when he pooped in his pampers.

By age 5 he was given his first Tube Amplifier, plugged it in and pumped out sound, Tiny explosions blasted all the Ladies & Gentlemen near by. He was blowing speakers, woofers and tweeters, and Mr. Microphone was soon his new best friend.

In high school he met a Teenage Girl, and became a Lunatic To Love. She was the Love child of Genghis Kahn And a beautiful busty Amazon. Unfortunately she did him wrong, and he didn’t let that kind of shit go on to long. Although they broke up, Chris just couldn’t get her body out of his mind. He sat outside underneath the Pale Moon, and thought of Dark Things.

At night he dreamt pleasant Basketball Dreams and pretended he played for the Seattle Supersonics. Of course Chris knew going into a sports career was just Feather Pluckin’ insane. He met Dave Dederer who told him to Wake Up out of his Confusion and stop acting like a lonely chicken. The duo started a band, banging drums and strings and things and making noise, until Chris proclaimed, "whats that, I think I hear a melody here"

Finally it was time to be Headin Out. Chris did not want to be Stuck In This Room Forever and left Home. No, he did not move to the country, He traveled 5,500 miles until he was feeling the New York Groove. An indecisive Chris Ballew said, "I’d like to live there, I’d like to live here, No I wouldn’t, No I wont." He was such a mess of doubt, so he graduated college and was gone again gone on his way to Boston. He became a Jazz Guy, even though nobody taught him how, and played in a band at the subway for all the people arriving at the station, to hear his brand new sonic creations. After a while his creative energies ran Bone Dry, so he packed his Bug Luggage and jumped onto the highway forever.

Meanwhile, back in the city of Seattle, some postman gave Dave Dederer a mix song of Chris’ songs and wanted to reform the band. Dave said, "it was so good we built it twice." Chris shaved of his perm and he and Dave kicked out the jams all over seattle with 2-string, 1-string, no-sting guitars. Wouldn’t you know it, drummer Jason Finn kept scratching at his Jeans trying to join the band. Chris said, "F you, you’re gonna spend the night OUTSIDE." Jason replied, "I’m sooo MAD." Chris liked the new aggressive Finn, and brought him on board.

He met MarryLynn, and gawked like a 12 year old smitten. She was a beautiful Clean Machine, and had the curves just like on the Venus De Milo and Chris knew he had Nothing 2 Lose so he asked her out on a date.

Just at that time, the band exploded like a Volcano onto the music scene. They rocked out Lump every night and the crowd sang along. They toured everywhere, for over two years, capped off when they went to Japan, and played in a Sushi Bar. Everything was rocking out of control, and it caused Chris to Bust out a brand new breakdown. The Band broke up amicably so Chris could spend time with Augie, his Little Champion.

Four years later, the band met in an abandoned studio. Then Chris had a thought. Their fans had thought it a lot. Why not fire up the womantone and drown the brown sound, record a new record but without turning everyone back into a superstar.

Four years passed again, but the presidents still Loved Everybody. So they got off their lazy boll weevil butts and hit the road, let their 2-strings explode, and got drunk all over the hills. This time accompanied with sporadic touring to promote the album, all their young fans came out with Fake ID and backstage passes, a solid alibi and big sunglasses.

Born as a baby by the side of the road, and died an Old Man On The Backporch sipping Peaches through a straw, we will always remember the life and music of Chris Ballew, because something so perfect shouldn’t go on too damn long.